Archive for the ‘ general amusement ’ Category

writer’s block

writer's block

it’s a horse!

Steph works at a horse hospital where she’s basically an equine surgical assistant or, as Brian says, an “equinarian”.

I came across this the other day, courtesy of GraphJam, and thought it was hilarious. I can just imagine Steph and her boss posting this in their treatment area and begin diagnosing cases based on this chart:

(click the image to enlarge…)

the neked people

No one is really sure why “The Naked People” statue came to the Music Row roundabout a few years ago. I’m sure our reaction was similar to the one I’m about to describe below when it was first unveiled, but the locals have come to just accept / ignore it’s existence and get on with life.

Apparently Nashville’s “powers that be” decided we needed something to mark the foot of Music Row, an area just outside of downtown that is home to many of the Nashville based country, gospel, and Christian music companies. And what better way to honor Nashville’s historic music tradition than confusing residents with a circular intersection and a 40 foot tall statue of naked dancers? According to the artist, the sculpture “Musica” uses dancers to convey the “physical expression of music” bursting forth in “celebration and exuberance”. Whatever. Remember, this is Nashville, the home of country music… Johnny Cash would just roll his eyes. A statue of a broken down pickup truck, a sad coon dog, and beat up guitar would have captured the spirit of the city better.

But anyways, yesterday as I’m leaving work and about to enter Nashville’s most perplexing intersection, I see this little old car creeping along on the roundabout. He’s going terribly slow. I wait for him to pass me, glance at the license plate and see he’s from out of state. Georgia. I figure he’s as baffled as I am as to where to exit the never-ending circle road.

Then I look closer. The driver is an older guy – gray hair, glasses, and there’s this shocked expression on his face and his eyes are glued to the drivers side window. Peering up, he’s taking in for the first time, with dropped jaw, the naked people. I can hear in my mind exactly what he’s thinking… “what in the world is that???” He continues to drive around the roundabout, making a full revolution – not just once, but twice, with mouth open staring up in utter amazement.

Welcome to Nashville my friend. The Country Music Hall of Fame is ahead on your right.

i forgot to title this post

You know those annoying blog posts where people say, “Gosh, I sure haven’t posted in a while” and then say, “I’m really sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written”.

Yeah, this is one of those.

So let’s get beyond all that and just dive right in. What should I write about?

I could make fun of Tim. That’s always fun. But he doesn’t use the internet anymore, so I won’t waste my time.

American Idol? I think Danny Gokey will win. Adam has a great voice, but he’s kinda like Bono – he’s always operating at 110% and it just gets grating. Plus the make-up and girl pants is a little creepy. But the final three will be Danny, Adam, and Allison – that’s what I say.

We’re going to Greece in June, fulfilling Resolution #3 for 2009 to go on an international mission trip. More on that in a later post.

I’m reading a biography on Abraham Lincoln right now that is absolutely fascinating, albeit extremely long. It’s called Team Of Rivals and is about how Lincoln leveraged his political genius in appointing his three key political rivals to key cabinet positions in his administration. A cool fresh look at Lincoln.

I’m lovin’ this new Irish worship band called Bluetree. I’m the biggest Delirious fan of all time so I’m naturally drawn to Bluetree’s style, which is a mesh of Delirious and David Crowder. Steph and I got to see them play a couple weeks ago in Nashville, their first time performing in the U.S. as a full band. Was absolutely incredible. I love this song:

Favorite TV shows of the spring, in order: Fringe, 24, Prison Break (though this series is finally wrapping up in a couple weeks), The Office, and Deadliest Catch.

Speaking of TV, HAL 9000 seems to be making a resurgence in television commercials this spring… you know HAL, the artificially intelligent, rational, perceptive, and incredibly creepy supercomputer from 2001: A Space Odyssey. First he showed up in a Quizno’s commercial, then in a Jared Jeweler’s commercial. And now he’s portrayed as a robotic arm in a commercial for Denny’s. Anyways, just an observation.

So that’s all I’ve got for now. I’m gonna finish watching Sig yell at his crew on Deadliest Catch and head to bed.

two disturbing discoveries and one unsettling experience

I came across two disturbing news stories today and one unsettling experience. This left me feeling, well, quite dissettled:

First, Iceland is bankrupt and it’s government has failed. I had read that the country’s banks were going bankrupt in October, but it seems as though things have really taken a turn for the worse today with the Prime Minister resigning and “disbanding the government”. I don’t even understand what that means – disband the government. This makes me sad.

Second, Steph and I are fans of celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. Yes, he’s got a bit of a foul mouth but his shows – Kitchen Nightmares and Hell’s Kitchen – are fantastic, and the guy has a culinary gift. That said, recent reports seem to indicate that there have been some financial issues creeping up on him, including two years of back taxes past due and the imminent sale of two of his under performing London restaurants. The report goes on to stir up a storm about supposed marital infidelity, but the facts here seem a bit contradictory. All that to say, I wish the best for Gordon and his family and I’m hoping the reports error on the side of the sensational, and that he comes through all of this in weeks to come.

Finally, I ate at Taco Bell today. As I’m waiting for my three crunchy tacos a guy who has ordered a single burrito proceeds to start a hissy fit at the counter because his order was not placed on a plastic tray. He picks it up, goes to sit down at his table, and then returns to the counter with his wrapped burrito where he engages in an argument with the cashier about how “I ordered this for here and you’re supposed to put it on a tray! I paid for a tray! So put it on a tray!!” He smacks the burrito down on the counter and waits to be given the greasy, brown plastic tray he deserves. The cashier proceeds to hand him a tray, and gingerly places the burrito on it. Weird.

Thanks for reading about my dissettling day.

imperfect post

I haven’t posted for a long time, and every day I think of something I want to write about.

It dawned on me why I don’t do it though. I’m too obsessed with being a perfectionist (especially when it comes to writing). I want it to cover everything, and not lack anything.

I create grand plans of writing a 7 post series on this, and a step-by-step analysis of that. And in the end I don’t think anyone really cares, but I feel like that’s what I need to do.

So I end up not writing. And therefore, no post in weeks.

To that end, I’m purposely writing this little tidbit in less than two minutes, and then I’m going to publish it without so much as a proofread. This is me pushing my horizons.

PS: I lied… I proofread this, but I think I’m still within two minutes.

electroshock therapy works on cats

We have a cat. His name is Linus. He’s two years old now.

Recently he started the bad habit of making incredible amounts of noise beginning every morning at 4:30 AM in the form of meowing, scratching, pawing, and general cat-play. It’s incredibly annoying, to the point that Steph and I are losing significant amounts of sleep because of our crazy cat.

Without going through all the details, suffice it to say we’ve tried everything to quiet him down. We let him roam the house – he makes noise. We lock him in our bedroom, he makes noise. We lock him in a different room, he poops on the floor because he’s bitter.

The most annoying of his traits is his incessant pawing on our closed bedroom door – believe it our not, this keeps us up the most. So we made a little investment the other day. While perusing through Petsmart, amongst all the cute little well behaved puppies and kitties, we picked up a feline torture device known as “The ScatMat“.

This handy little tool, when rolled out on the floor, sends 9 volts of electric current through the feet and/or paws of any trespasser who steps on the mat. For the last three nights we have rolled out the ScatMat in front of our bedroom door, and I must say… works like a charm.

Night #1: About 20 minutes after we rolled it out he started sniffing around and investigating the mat, and finally he ventured onto it. Hair on end. Tail puffy. Jumped straight up in the air about a foot, ran into the wall, and dove under the bed, not to make a peep for the rest of the night.

Night #2: We read that for effective “training” we should try covering the mat w/ a sheet or towel so that eventually we can remove the ScatMat and simply leave the towel on the floor as Linus will have associated the shock with the sheet, not the mat. To work effectively through the pillowcase we threw on the floor we had to turn the power up one notch. Oh my. He hit the thing at about 5AM and it sounded like he had climbed halfway up the wall in shock. Once again, not a peep for the rest of the morning.

Night #3: Linus has now picked up a new trait when entering or leaving the room. Regardless of whether or not the pillowcase is on the floor he now jumps a full three feet through the door frame in attempts to “clear” whatever is shocking his little paws. He steers clear of the door from now on, has settled himself down, and Steph and I have been sleeping wonderfully.

And that. my friends, is how you train a cat.

jon’s pears

It’s 4:53 PM. Long day at the office. My esteemed colleague Jon, tired from a long day’s work returns to his office craving a fresh can of… pears. Actually, they’re not fresh. The can of pears has been sitting in his desk drawer for months, maybe years. He finally brought a can opener into work earlier this week so that he’d have one on hand just-in-case. Came in useful today.

Jon was proud of his Spoiled-Chef can opener, or Coddled-Chef… whatever it is, I can’t remember. He demonstrates how it has a handy little magnet on the top of it to lift the cut can lid from the can and transfer it to the waste basket without touching it at all. Oh wait – magnet failure. He dropped the lid. Pear juice everywhere.

Come on Jon.

A Graphing Of Tim’s Bloggings

Over the last few months, a strange pattern has developed on the blog of my friend Uncle Tim. It’s sad, really, to see how a once prolific writer has simply disappeared from the blogging world.

Unfortunately, Tim is in denial of all this. He feels that the blogging world has up and left him – that no one out there is writing anymore, when in fact, he’s the one who has forgotten how to turn his computer on. Posts have been pretty minimal from Uncle Tim the last few months, and I miss his gluttonous musings on food and his incessant whining about cats.

I took it upon myself to demonstrate graphically how Tim’s bloggings have changed over time, and the visual impact is startling:

So Tim… if you’re out there, somewhere, reading this… come back.Post about how you’ve been binging on chocolate and beer over the the last two weeks since the Biggest Loser finale aired, and how you’re just not going to be able to control yourself until next season. Post about how you’ve somehow conned society into buying plastic Frisbees from you in order to make a living. Post about how you kidnapped your neighbor kid’s cat last week and taunted it with a pen light until 3:00 in the morning by making it run off the edge of your balcony.

A Concerned Subscriber

two hundred thousand point two

Dear Tim,

Saturday was a monumental day in the life of your purple car. Amidst a cow pasture on the right and a really big hill on the left, your 1997 Chevy Cavalier surpassed 200,000 miles, officially making it the farthest operating car I have ever owned [including my Ford Contour from highschool which went through three engine blocks in three years, as well as the legendary Neal Mobile which gave out at 195,461 miles].

I would personally like to take this moment to thank you for changing the oil so regularly, as well as replacing the clutch after teaching Karen to drive a stick. Your diligence in the care and maintenance of this fine car have surely lent to it’s many long miles.

As of 200,000.2 miles, as evidenced by the odometer picture above, the purple Cavlier has made it’s presence known in 15 States, including among others Minnesota, Kansas, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina. It has also suffered 3 batteries, 2 alternators, 2 transmission cables, 46 oil changes, and 1 male white-tailed deer.

As the purple car was originally purchased as transportation for Steph, I let her drive the last few miles towards the goal of 200k, with ice cream from Sonic in hand to celebrate the event.

Thank you to everyone for your support and to all who have provided rides on days the purple car has spent hospitalized at the local Firestone shop.