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Let me tell you a little story. It’s a true story.

Some time back I began receiving random text messages from a guy who had, apparently, programmed my phone number into his phone under another person’s name. I did not know this guy. I only know his name because he would sign each of his messages with his full name.

To protect the innocent, we’ll call him Gary Meeper.

Gary apparently thought I was his boss. His boss’s name was Mrs. Pillow, and I know this because he would address the beginning of every text message to “Mrs. Pillow”.

Her name has not been changed because it’s too fantastic.

Every now and then Gary would text me, always at 6:00 in the morning. And he would give Mrs. Pillow some sorry excuse as to why he was running late or why he wouldn’t be coming into work that day:

“Mrs. Pillow, I will be an hour late because my alarm clock didn’t go off this morning. -Gary Meeper”

“Mrs. Pillow, I will be two hours late because the power went off in my apartment. -Gary Meeper”

Gary didn’t often get to work on time.

“Mrs. Pillow, I won’t be coming in today because I have been up all night with a migraine. -Gary Meeper”

Let us acknowledge for a moment the ironic fact that he was, quite often, texting a “pillow” from his bed.

I received a lot of these messages. At first I thought, ah, poor bloke, he just punched in the wrong number. I’m sure it was a mistake.

Then they continued to come.

So I patiently explained to Gary that he had the wrong number, and that I was not Mrs. Pillow, and “would he kindly update his contact in his phone?”

A week later.

“Mrs. Pillow, I won’t be able to come in today because there is ice in my driveway and I can’t get out. -Gary Meeper”

I texted back. Told him I was still not the infamous Mrs. Pillow and that he had the wrong number. I did this several times.

So several weeks later when I received this 6:00am text: “Mrs. Pillow, I’m going to be 15 minutes late for the team meeting today because of traffic. -Gary Meeper”, I did what any sane person would do.

I asked him to bring donuts.

Several days later he sent notice to the effect of: “Mrs. Pillow, I’m running 30 minutes late because there was a delay at the school. -Gary Meeper”

So I told him to stop at Starbucks and get me venti half-calf vanilla latte.

Gary Meeper actually texted me one snowy evening, apparently to alert everyone on his team that their shift had been cancelled the next day due to inclement weather.

I told him the reports were incorrect and to “please come in anyways.”

So finally when Gary Meeper texted me a few weeks later and said:

“Mrs. Pillow, I’m running two hours late today due to an alarm clock malfunction.”

I decided enough was enough.

So I fired him.

I said, “Please don’t bother coming in today. We have decided to eliminate your position.”

And that was the last I heard from Gary Meeper.